Guilt

Today at church, our deacon talked about guilt in his homily. The gospel reading was about an old, poor woman, who gave only two cents while several rich men were able to give hundreds of dollars. After observing this scene, Jesus taught his disciples that the woman’s gift was worth so much more than the rich men’s gifts, because she gave all she could while they donated from their surplus wealth. The deacon used this story to talk about an emotion he characterized as “Catholic Guilt,” a type of guilt that Catholics, though not limited to only Catholics, may experience when they are more fortunate than others in areas out of their control, like feeling guilty for having a home while others are homeless, or food while others are hungry. He then went on to say that guilt is selfish, for it comes from the thought that we are the center of the universe.

In saying this, however, he failed to realize that guilt also stems from disappointment, or perceived or future disappointment in others as a result of one’s actions. While confessing something to my friend today, I happened to leave several choice details out, which the Church teaches us is deception and thus lying. Later on, while reflecting back on my day, guilt seeped into my emotional complex as my conscience’s engine began revving, as it often does at night. In this instance, my guilt was a result of my awareness of my friend’s probable disappointment if she found out that I had not been wholly honest with her.

His point, though true in a narrow aspect of the broad guilt, did not encompass all of the reasons behind feelings of guilt. In feeling guilty about things that are out of your control, like that you have a house and others do not, you are in fact being selfish, for you cannot play caretaker to every person on Earth; and by giving up your house, which you feel so guilty possessing, how are you helping those who are homeless? You are not, and even if you do take in several homeless people, there are still millions more across the globe so that you cannot even begin to solve the problem of homelessness.

However, the more common feeling of guilt does not emerge from this category of problems; it emerges from the act of sinning and the awareness that you have sinned. It is your culpability, the fact that you can and very well may be caught doing or having done some sinful act that caused the guilt that develops from the remorse you feel from doing the act. In this way, guilt is very selfless, and it does, in fact, prove beneficial to humankind, for without guilt, how could we define right and wrong? Wrongful actions cause guilt in the majority of humanity – not just today’s humanity, but humanity throughout the history of the world, the total combination of all of the persons whom have lived – and it is for this reason that we can classify actions as wrong and right.

Actions can only be labeled as either “right” or “wrong” if they cause some kind of emotion – actions that are “wrong” cause unpleasant emotions, and actions that are “right” cause pleasant emotions, in the long run. Emotions caused by specific actions cannot be analyzed in the short run, because rightful actions may cause distasteful feelings in the short run, like standing up to peer pressure. By refusing to drink, you may initially experience feelings like loneliness (being the only one not drinking and therefore left out), hostility (at being pressured to drink in the first place), or cowardly (for not trying something “new” and “adventurous”). But by turning down that alcohol, you have done the right thing because if you are caught a. you are underage, and can therefore be arrested, b. your parents would be disappointed in you, and c. you are preventing any damaging acts you may perform as a result of that drinking, like driving drunk, having sex, or doing drugs.

Guilt therefore comes from some kind of culpability, of blameworthiness, or a feeling of fault because of how you would be perceived if a certain act was uncovered by other members of society. So although guilt is an upsetting feeling, it does in fact serve mankind by providing itself, a negative emotion, to be associated with an action that has been decided by society to be “wrong,” and thus preventing repetition of the act.

There are so many emotions that are usually considered bad, and yes, it is bad to feel guilty. But without it, we wouldn't even know what not to do. Appreciate every emotion, good or bad, for helping you become a better person.

Things That Say a Lot About People

the way in which they treat the waiter/waitress
how they feel about the weather
whether they dog ear pages or highlight in books
fingernails
and hands in general
their preferred creative outlet
how much they dread/enjoy talking on the phone
whether or not they drink coffee
if they ever forget to eat
how honest they are with themselves (and others)
if they correct your grammar
and whether or not they get nervous before haircuts.

by this person via Jenn

1. I try my best to be friendly to waiters and waitresses, but I am also very cautious and reserved, as I am with anyone I don't know. I often get nervous about interactions with strangers, although I have been trying to work on that!

2. I absolutely love rain. I was just talking to my mom yesterday about this, and I told her that rain often makes me happier than sun. Rain brings with it a sort of contentment for me that sunny days lack. Sunny days are ripe with possibility and when I have no purpose to accompany it, that possibility seems daunting and overwhelming. Rainy days are soothing, and give me a reason to breathe in deeply for a moment.

3. I absolutely hate writing in books. I keep my books in the most pristine condition, and when they get messed up it bothers me to no end. I think that books bring out my touch of OCD, and I cannot stand it when books are written in or highlighted - it distracts me and I feel like it takes away from the original book.

4. My fingernails are always very short, since I play guitar. I paint them colors occasionally, but usually they are bare or coated with a clear or light pink polish. 

5. My hands are very strange. Many people have told me I have pretty hands, but once you look closely, you can see the little imperfections. Firstly, I have callouses on the tips of my fingers on my left hand from guitar. Secondly, my middle fingers curve outward so much that they actually look deformed. I'm not sure why that is but my friend told me never to flip anyone off. Ever.

6. My preferred creative outlet is music. When I feel stressed or overly emotional, I play my guitar and it instantly calms me down. I used to write songs all the time, but I haven't done that in a while. I also enjoy drawing, but I usually don't think to do that when I'm upset or in need of something cathartic.

7. I have mixed feelings about talking on the phone. It definitely depends on who it is, and sometimes I don't enjoy it. But I often like telephone calls - they are so much more personal and intimate than texts, but still not as intimate as speaking in person. I cannot stand it when people start fights over text, and even over the phone.

8. I don't drink coffee on a regular basis. I will occasionally drink it for the caffeine, but I much prefer tea. I do like coffee drinks sometimes, like lattes (especially pumpkin spice) or cappuccinos. And I love coffee ice cream!

9. I do sometimes forget to eat. This usually happens in the summer, when I have less of a routine, and I will just be out doing things or I'll be busy at home and I'll forget to eat lunch or dinner.

10. Honesty is so hard sometimes. I always try to be real about things though, especially with  myself. I don't think I ever lie to myself. I almost never lie to other people, either, especially not about big things. Honesty is so important in relationships, and I always do my best to be honest with everyone.

11. I frequently correct grammar in my head. I usually don't say it out loud, unless it's necessary. But I don't want to be remembered as the grammar nazi! 

12. Before reading this list, I thought that I was the only one who got nervous for haircuts. Now I realize that maybe other people get nervous about the actual hair getting cut, but I dread talking to the hairstylist. I am the worst at small talk (when I was 10, my dad actually bought me a book on how to make small talk) and so speaking to anyone I don't really know is physically painful. So yes, I get very nervous about haircuts.

Introversion

my favorite chair in the house

Sometimes, it feels good just to curl up in a big comfy chair with a cup of tea and a good book. Whenever your heart is a little broken, or your eyes are a little tired, this remedy always seems to heal you, at least a little bit. It's often just a matter of relaxing - taking a step back from everyone and everything, and taking some time alone. 

Ever since I was young, my mom would make tea for me whenever I felt a little down. Band-aids were the go-to for physical injuries, but tea was the cure for emotional hurts. She would make some Lipton black tea, with lots of milk and sugar, and bring it to me on a little saucer while I cried and cried. She did it twelve years ago when my best friend told me that she didn't want to play with me that day, and she did it last month when I felt more alone than I ever have before. And honestly, it works just the same.

perhaps why Pooh was always my favorite cartoon

Almost all of my problems seem better once I am home, sitting comfortably in my bed or on my living room chair. I am, by nature, an introvert. I enjoy my alone time a great deal, and being with others is often draining for me. One of the qualities of introverts is that "after being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to 'recharge'" (source). If this applies to you, congratulations, you're also an introvert! 

Now, a common misconception about introverts is that they are shy. An introvert may be shy, but the true definition of an introvert is someone who is "energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people." My father and one of my sisters are like this, just like me, while my mother and my other two sisters are extroverts, through and through. I often puzzle over how, during school vacation, my sister can go from one friend sleeping over to a different friend coming over for the day and then another friend sleeping over that night and so on! I asked her, "Don't you ever get tired of people?" And she replied, "Nope."

This little myth-busting article about introverts was very interesting, especially that "if there is too much talking or noise going on, [introverts] shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine." Dopamine is supposed to make you happy - it is the neurotransmitter released when you fall in love. So while extroverts may be having the time of their lives, causing lots of dopamine to be released, introverts will begin to withdraw after a certain level of dopamine is released.

So if you're an introvert reading this, don't worry - there are plenty of us out there (anywhere from 16-50% of the population), so never think that you're weird or that you should be able to do marathon sleepovers like my sister. It's perfectly okay to be an introvert, as long as it doesn't get in the way of all social activities. Make sure you say yes to things every once in a while - God will often surprise you with amazing memories!

Lately

eagerly awaiting breakfast

coloring

beautiful summer view

graduation day!

pool party

It's been a crazy month. I can't believe that July is already here - it seems like May took an eternity and then June flew by. Between finals, graduation, a mission trip, a retreat, and tons of graduation parties, June was a blast, but some down time is definitely welcomed this month.

Welcome!

If you're reading this, you must have stumbled across my newest project: a blog! I hope to post many of my photos here along with some small updates about my life. Thanks for reading and enjoy!